***SAGA***

-to purgatory and back-
i love you to the core of me

happy birthday!!!!

i fucking knew it...

dear moon,

stop fucking with everyone!!!!!

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/12/081211-biggest-brightest-moon.html

boring blog. and a bday shout out.

hmm.

its mid-ish december. did you know that already?

somehow this year FLEW by. that always scars me. ive heard the older you get the faster a year seems to pass- which makes sense, because in the scheme of things, youve seen more of them. but with how quickly this year seemed to pass- i mean, seriously, in a blink of an eye- im a little freaked out that the rest of my life is going to use nitro boost. is that what happens? will some years go slower than others? are those the bad years? ooh, look at that. thinking that this year was a great year, hence the speed...

speaking of which, i told beth today at hh sushi and sake that i had a "what the hell was i thinking" moment in the car. seriously folks. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! no regrets of course, but really?! heh. heh. its like a really weird twisted funny lesson.

moving on.

my parents are coming into town this weekend. then they are leaving for a week. but then coming back. all you seattle orphans out there are welcome to my house for christmas. theres always lots of board games and drinking and standard midwest holiday fare, green bean casserole and all. my parents are fun. ill ask them to bring the face paint. (watching peoples reactions to that story makes it one of my favorite stories to tell... ahh, my parents, the carnies)

hmm. what else?

theres a sound outside that sounds a little like a rattling, but ive been playing this video game for so long that it sounds like the beetles i have to kill. i get weird about video games.

i saw twilight this weekend with my mentees. ive seen the lead guy in interviews and just really want to brush his hair. my mentees said that makes me sound old. then i saw him in the movie and suddenly want to date a 17 year old vampire. is that so wrong?

sigh.

i should go to bed. i hope my room doesnt smell. i spackled the holes in my wall. does spackle smell? i need paint though. the one i bought was too white.

oh and!

dinner tomorrow. happy birthday hot pants. we're gonna flirt the hell out of 29.

im pretty sure its a stroke.

it smells like an electrical fire... or possibly peanut butter... up in here.

giving thanks.

this thanksgiving was delicious. it was filled with sloth and gluttony- as all good thanksgivings should be. it also made me realize we are ALL initially uncomfortable being sincere and thankful on a moments notice. but here we go...

i am thankful for the family i chose. this year has been a real humdinger as it relates to how i understand and accept my family. i will always love them to the core of me, but there are some people i realize are there to love and despise me LIKE a family should moreso than members of my family do. and for that, i am thankful. i am thankful for the deep seeded look of love coupled with the rolling eyes of annoyance. i am thankful for the people who have answered my late night calls, sent me cards and chocolate, shown up to my door at a moments notice and been there to drink with to help me forget, remember and just to have fun. these people are my sisters and my brothers. moms. dads and children all rolled in to one. and if you are reading this, you are probably one of those people. i am eternally grateful.

i am thankful for the family i DO have. i am forever endebted to my parents, whom, i have begun to realize, are pretty fun and incredible people. im grateful to realize this now, rather than later so that i can celebrate WITH them. my brothers are my brothers. i dont think i will ever understand them completely, nor will they ever understand me. but we love each other. and for that, i have an underlying appreciation. i am thankful for my nieces and nephews and was so excited to see them recently- to realize they are becomming really neat people. i miss them more than i can explain.

i am thankful for the new found self realization that i am ok. its more than a fog lifting. its more than a clarity and peace of mind. its a come to jesus moment in which i have realized its been a LONG while since ive been myself. truly truly myself. and now that i have had the opportunity to find that again, i have realized i actually like myself. and for that, i am, in a way, thankful for the twists and turns 2008 has offered. it was a forced moment and i had no idea at the time it would take a turn this way. in case you didnt know (in a moment of tooting my own horn) im discovering im a pretty fucking cool person.

i am thankful for being free- in so many senses (is that right?) of the word. i am, of course thankful for the rights i have- though i know no differently so its hard to truly appreicate. i am thankful i have been raised to make the right decisions in order to maintain those freedoms. lately though, ive been excited and proud of the idea of living life for me only- making decisions on a whim because i want to- and because i can.

to steal one from billy (i think)- i am also thankful to experience a sense of calm and hope in this world. i am grateful to have been alive and been a part of one of the most amazing moments in american history. i realized the other day i was watching obamas interviews recently in a subconcious way to hold on to this figure that inspired so much in me. and then i realized that he will be around for at LEAST the next four years. and it becomes my moment to exhale in relief. for that, i thank ohio. finally.

i am, in general, just thankful. its been a doosie of a year and im glad for every moment thus far that has gotten me here. good or bad, i wouldnt change any of them.

O-H

the office was so gross today. you could hear the snot dripping from every orifice. disgusting.

im out for the week- going back to ohio. just like the pretenders.

im a mentor!

in an attempt to bolster my public service resume for the peace corps, i signed up to be a mentor for local high school students. it was truly a selflessly selfish move on my behalf.

last weekend i was at camp. i wasnt looking forward to it at first. it was an entire weekend with teenagers and people i didnt know. i knew it would be emotionally draining. it was also supposed to rain the entire time.

when we got there it was awkward. never before had i felt old. and all of a sudden there i was, out of touch and one of the oldest people in the room. the desire to fit in and be liked was strong and familiar. the students were hyper and hell bent on acting up. we had to sit in a room in uncomfortable chairs and listen to this woman talk. it was pouring.

day two included some group activities and a little one on one time. it was incredible to see these kids open up. it surprised me to realize how young and innocent they actually are underneath it all. it was equally as frustrating to watch them return to the larger group and act just as they had before.

day three was emotional and a half. i watched kids and adults alike honestly acknowledge their past and their future. i did the same. the ability to address certain parts of life and let them go publicly was more freeing than i can describe.

the last day was also emotional but relieving. on the ferry ride back i noticed the other passengers. they were glaring at the students and rolling their eyes. the kids were doing nothing wrong. they were just being kids. and thats when it hit me. one week prior, i would have been doing the same thing. but at that moment, i was one of them, running around the ship, staring at the vending machine, yelling on the deck outside.

last thursday i was matched with two girls from camp. and i couldnt be more excited about it. i cant imagine being with any other students in any other organization. im excited to be a part of their life. im happy i can be an adult they can turn to that wont punish them for the decisions they make. im hopeful that i can provide some sort of advice to help them make the decisions they need to in life.

this is an incredible program. and if you have time and any inclination to help, they can use you. 60 kids applied for this particular program. they were only able to take on 20 because of the mentor shortage. there are two other schools that can use your help. check it out:
communityforyouth.org

side note to ms. crame: GO HOT PANTS GO! hope your run was smokin!

more to come.

my words feel trivial.
i am in awe of what we just did.

barack obama is the next president of the united states.

-O- my god

i cannot wait to vote!
(image by shepard fairey)

MISC.

i just got off the elevator to a man wearing a basketball uniform while carrying what looked like an intricately detailed walking stick, and a woman with thigh high patent leather boots. im at work.

i saw the mountain goats on monday. i almost got in a fight. some east-side looking guy called me a cunt. then spelled it over and over and over. i kinda liked him more for it. except that he was trying to insult me. but i really like the shock value of that word, so the effect was lost on me.

my stomach hurts.

my florescent orange nail polish is weird. it seeps in while im painting it- almost like a stain. and then it leaches out of my nail and flakes off easily. but its so cute. i try to type without looking at the keyboard, but with my nails as bright as they are, its fun to watch. my hands look disconnected. and florescent is a hard word to spell. im pretty sure there was a "u" in there before.

im going to vegas tomorrow to throw my mom a surprise 60th bday party. i think she knows. people assure me she doesnt. shes a bad liar. i dont know where i honed my skills if thats the case. im really good at it. but vegas will be fun. except one work trip ive never spent more than 24 hours in that city. once i drove (with a couple of hippie friends) 23 hours to get there, and stayed for 5. then we took the short 12 hours drive back.

im still dreaming of the most recent batch of rosemary limoncello.

i took a 3 hour nap last night, woke up and worked for an hour, went to bed and overslept this morning. i think im sick. or just really tired. its the weather change im sure. how long do we get to use that excuse? i mean, can i say that in mid february? doesnt the time change this weekend? fall back, right?

i saw some guy in the coffee shop with the black version of my MIA wallet. i miss that wallet, but realized the black version was so much better than the teal. i need a new wallet/clutch... so i can get my dance on without toting my bookbag purse all over. oh, and i guess the term is backpack. dear backpack, youll always be a bookbag to me.

quote of the day

good luck jason.

and goodbye.

forced growth

weakness. its a hard thing for me to talk about. or feel.
and foolishness. or more so looking foolish.

sometimes it feels like everyone got the joke years ago and im only now starting to understand the punchline.
its a feeling of frustration. and anger- inward and out. and relief at a level ive never known before.
its an issue of pride. and im learning to be humble. or am being humbled.

i left my heart there... ugh.

oh the cliche.

work trip to san francisco this past week. with a few hours tucked away for myself.

i got to see lisa. and my parents. and my brother- it was actually very weird we were all there at the same time. i met up with my friend will. and ran into nikki. and ross.

i drank a lot. and ate really well, though most meals were simply a means to keep from spinning. i laid in a few parks and daydreamed. daydreamt? weird. is dreamt even a word. doesnt look like it. daydreamed.

i miss that city. it helps that it was gorgeous. and i wasnt obligated to really do anything. but i really miss it. a lot. the more i visit the more i wish i didnt have to leave it. i think the last time i lived there i was wishing i was lving here. because i had something to long for. i didnt get to enjoy it.

the problem is that i like my job. maybe in a few years.

im grumpy.

i had popcorn for dinner, and some ice cream. or fro-yo as ben and jerrys is now calling it. im pretty sure i cant call it fro-yo in a casual conversation and have any respect for myself.

i have perpetual pouty face.

im in my nightgown. and bathrobe. and little blue socks. and im under my comforter but im on the couch.

i watched a decent movie but now heroes is on. i hate heroes. but im too lazy and too grumpy to change the channel. even iphone solitare isnt comforting right now.

its cold out and the weather is changing.

i have a giant-under-the-skin zit that hurts.

i need to pay a parking ticket but im broke.

i didnt exercise today. and my bike tire wont pump up.

i got gasoline on my hands. and i was annoyed i had to get gas anyway.

this whole mood feels illogical. but that just makes me want to cross my arms and stomp my feet even more. its a good thing the roommate went to bed early.

but at least im cute when im grumpy.

ahhhh.

sometimes the best nights are the ones alone in the apartment with a bag full of tootsie pops and pretty woman on tbs. i have two movies here, but im too lazy to commit to either of them. its a WHOLE two hours. thats a lot to ask of me right now.

chunk chunk (law and order sound)

large hadron collider

im very excited about all of this.

but doesnt it all seem very contact?

incredible.

http://legendmag.net/thelegendonline/2008/09/08/i-wish-id-said-that/

save a horse, ride a cowboy

i have no explanation for last night.
but it was fun.

waiting for the lightning.

You may have a troubling conversation with a sibling or a close friend, but you needn't let it ruin your day. You can be a champion at holding on to old experiences, relishing the wonderful times and reliving the pain of tougher memories. But the lightning can strike, temporarily relieving you of your reflections. Remember, there's more fun waiting for you in the present moment than in the past.

like an onion-

heartbreak has a lot of layers.

thinking of you

jen and i met freshman year in college. we lived across the hall from each other in the dorms. we ate easy mac together and got drunk at hess' house. we dated frat boy roommates, went to formals. we made fun of frat boys. we got stoned a lot. A LOT. she was there for me when the people i decided to associate myself with turned on me. i was there for her when her midget boyfriend punched a hole in her bedroom wall and went scurrying off to munchkin land.

we have the same birthday. people called us twins.

we moved into the rattiest apartment sophomore year- "new" carpeting complete with fleas. we were robbed and convinced ourselves our neighbors had done it. we broke in and stole their beer signs. we tamed a squirrel. we got drunk one day during christmas break and painted random things on our living room wall. our roommate came home with her parents that night. oops. we ate magic mushrooms and stared at ourselves in the mirror. we covered a girls car in syrup and jam. we chain smoked. we made saltine smores and macaroni and cheese (the real kind).

right around this time is when i started seeing jason. she had started dating our friend matt. i think we started to naturally drift. she was still there for me every time my heart was broken and she turned a pseudo blind eye every time i decided to give it another shot. i was there for her when her mom fell off a ladder and was in the hospital for weeks at a time.

but somewhere in there, during the natural drifting, things took a sharp turn. i was absent from the house most of the time. our roommates that had come and gone werent of the highest caliber. she started developing some anger management issues and had a few too many bottles of medication to contend with. we all moved out. we lost touch.

i was sure, at the time, that she would be my best friend forever. i have no idea where she is now. and i miss her. i know, in talking to my other roommates, that we all miss her- but the old her- not the mean, hairschool, 50 year old dating her. i hope our paths cross again.

so jen, wherever you are, i hope its where you want to be.

um...

im not sure which is more exciting– the actual races, or this picture:

>>>insert creative title here<<<

how is it that you can go to bed drunk on a weekend night and still wake up early the next morning- sometimes even earlier than you would during the week- but you go to bed relatively sober on a sunday and the alarm becomes a demon of demonic proportions on monday morning.

demon is a weird word.

happy birthday beth!!!

blinded.

theres a song playing right now. brings back memories. it used to make me fell inadequate and cry. now it makes me kick myself. things are taking a turn.

im talking to a friend on im right now and am realizing i dont care what she has to say. i think i should stop talking to her. but how to do that without a fallout, i dont really know. i know ive never had much tolerance for her. we are like really expensive oil and tap water. (which separate even more than regular oil and water.)

i ate nothing but carbs yesterday and topped it off with jelly bellys and rootbeer. im actually a little proud of that.

i woke up and walked out side this morning to be blinded by bright clear sunshine. it felt like fall. like an ohio fall. i love ohio fall. where its a little chilly in the morning but you know that if you wear a dark enough color and sit with your back to the sun, its going to feel so good. the air felt really fresh. maybe because it rained?

thats all ive got.

hope you all feel a little bit of this today:

weekend recap...

friday
drinks at coworker's -->
walked to block party -->
block party -->
lost coworker -->
bullied strangers into dancing -->
found friends -->
dropped iphone -->
cried-->
drank more -->
danced somewhere in or around block party -->
home to find peas everywhere -->
sleep

saturday
recovery -->
acknowledgment of said peas, but no explanation -->
lego indiana jones -->
cab confusion -->
dinner -->
NIN (incredible) -->
drinks -->
fetish talk -->
b to d conversation and copping feels -->
wine on a rooftop -->
home (no peas) -->
sleep

sunday
recovery (again) -->
lego indiana jones (trying for new achievements) -->
whole foods chaos -->
bbq -->
is 11:30 considered afternoon? NO! -->
do you call it a carrot cake cupcake or a carrot cupcake? -->
home -->
put together new chairs -->
watched atonement -->
wrote this -->
sleep

list

in the spirit of being positive, i bring you this list...

things that annoyed me today:

- the bus tailgating my little bike most of my ride and deciding to pass me in the dirtiest section of roadway sending dust and rocks flying toward my face.

- trying to find images from an indesign file that wasnt ever packaged. srsly people, its an amazing feature. use it.

- iphone insisting on capitalizing each word after a period. im a lower case gal. learn that, ai.

- iphone reorganizing my apps when i update them.

- not having more than a handful of restaurants to choose from at lunch.

- last minute design requests from the east coast, which make them even more last minute. "hey, its 1. we need it by 2."

- my foot itching with little to no relief from lotion.

- choking on lettuce.

leper foot

its late. im tired. i dog sat all weekend. it was fun, but the dog was sad and whined. all night. clearly i need more time. thank god for roommates though. especially roommates who love dogs.

my foot itches. the skin is peeling off and i think i was bitten. that or im allergic to the ink. it feels incomplete. i have to go thru it again. touch ups and additions. i wish it was finished now.

i shopped this weekend. i am now the proud owner of some soooooper sexy heels. watch out singlehood. i would definitely do me in these shoes. seriously. sexy. i also bought outdoor chairs. one step at a time to resettling in a house ive lived in for years. they are also sexy.

i dropped my iphone again today. *panic* but all is well. i need a cover for my screen.

i need to do laundry. but our dryer caught on fire last week. im holding off until someone comes to look at it. or at least until i have a fire extinguisher. our washing machine knob broke. our toilet is on the fritz. its a mess here. but at least its clean. see how i did that? the whole plaly on words thing?

ok, off to bed. its gonna be a crazy week.

pearls of wisdom

deb morgan part deux:

maybe life is just all about knowing the difference between shit and fertilizer.

(though it does seem like thats a quote from somewhere else. regardless...)

2 month recap: life changes

single
roommate
iphone
tattoo
28

all in all, not so shabby.

im going to take a little pause...

and thank the sun gods for this last week.

just showin some appreciation. thats all.

pity party 2 mandy 0

ok, pity party number 2 has come to an end. looking forward...

im getting a tattoo friday! woot!
its inspired by this:

im very excited! stay tuned for a follow up pic.

happy 4th?

it seems apropos that this im feeling alone this independence day.

sitting here, slightly disappointed in the "party" we threw. the last few years have been good turnouts lasting well into the night- well past when i wanted people to leave.

this year was a little dry. there was a "party custody" decision and fewer appearances of confirmed guests. the roommate got really drunk, possibly offended, and is now passed out. and im sitting here wishing i was wasted but knowing my drinking is done for the night with nothing more than an evening headache to show for it.

i dunno. maybe im feeling sorry for myself. it definitely feels like a different 4th. and thats tough to stomach. guess it comes with the territory... fireworks just always feel so festive and hopeful to me.. or at least they normally do. tonight they just seemed like something that happened........

at any rate- happy 4th. heres to a better next year.

...

thanks beth.

its not easy bein green...

i passed my promotion test and am officially a green belt! hooray!

the theatah

kjtashi and i had a belated birthday date last night. we decided on casual cute as our wardrobe and ended up at our fav date restaurant via tribunali (though we had intentions of trying somewhere new). mmmm, i LOVE via.

then we raced down to the theatah for some culture where we were serenaded by songs like "everyone's a little bit racist" and lyrics like "its a thin line between love and wasting your time." and we both agreed whoever wrote avenue q is a FUCKING GENIUS. i have been to a handful of plays... was even in a musical when i was younger. but this was, by far, the most entertaining show i have ever been to.

thanks for an awesome date night kj! lets make a habit out of it.

sobered up

the house is still echo-y.
but im sober. so its a little better.

mixed emotions

today is the solstice (which im actually a little confused about- i always thought solstice jsut meant the longest day of the year- which should be the 21st- but apparently today it happened at 4:59pm. i dont get it.) ANYWAY.

today has always been one of my moms favorite days of the year. mine too actually.

but tonight, im in my room. in my echo-y house... what to do? this afternoon i was loving single-mandy. and i dont think im far from that. but its a far reach from happy sunshine-y drunkeness and an empty echo-y house... culture shock? i guess so.

last night was the last night (i assume) i live with a boyfriend. now i live alone. at least for a week. then lisa moves in. but it still seems pretty poignant to walk in to so much missing. this was my life. for nearly 4 years. and now, sometime between bedtime and happy hour all of it is physically gone. excpet for my refuge of a bedroom. and its not even the boyfriend aspect of it that is missing. its the best friend part.

how do you stop missing your best friend? boyfriends will come and go... hopefully sooner rather than later. but how do you get over that emptiness of sharing?...

...

i still like single mandy. but she is a little tipsy and sad right now.

damn you twitter

blame twitter for lack of posts lately.
ill write one this weekend im sure... itll be all drunken and sad. i bet you cant wait!

its garage sale day!

if you live here, stop on by!

feminist design woes...

ok, for starters i would hardly consider myself a feminist though some things irk me (except the word irk, which i think im growing to love). and secondly i have overactive underarms. yep, thats right, im sweaty. its a fact. ive accepted it. now you should too.

now that we have that out on the table...
lets talk about this:

this is my deodorant. it works like the supposed doctors say it will. i like it.
this morning i opened the (still shared) medicine cabinet (until next week) and i see this right next to mine:


















what the hell does degree think its doing? (i, by the way, support the deodorant plagiarism (man thats a hard word to spell) in the household- like i said, it works). but degree... cmon! what makes you think i dont want a colored top? but most importantly (in the world of graphic design) what makes you think that having lady humps makes me like Titlecase Italic (Women) letters over bold UPPERCASE (MEN)?!***

its very irritating.
and that is my feminist deodorant design soapbox. stepping down now. thanks for indulging me.

***the size of the type im talking about is not clearly visible in the images. but its there and irksome (love it) nonetheless (also a favorite word).

quote

"If it goes well you can say your mom is a face painting hooker."

-Deb Morgan 6.9.08

things i learned today

- late is not considered fashionable at an 8 year olds birthday party.

- the celtics are good. good thing i put money on em.

- i can probably get ready for a triathlon in 6 weeks, but i have to start tomorrow.

- i totally love the new washington lottery commercial. you know the one, with the flying birds. completely awesome.

- the red velvet cake from kingfish isnt enough to write home about. my moms wacky cake is. i dont even GET red velvet cake. can someone explain it to me?

- my new hair product smells like toothpaste.

so long and thanks for all the fish

it was a solid campaign, but on to bigger and better things.

things i have been meaning to do for a while now...

1. take worn shoes to the cobbler. i dont care if they dont call them cobblers anymore.

2. take jackets and sweaters to the drycleaner.

3. sign up for a knife skills class.

4. buy new knives.

5. hire a maid.

6. update my moms website.

7. create a budget.

8. stick to the budget.

9. plan my moms birthday party.

10. clean out my closet.

11. buy a pitcher so i can finally make the koolaid i bought 4 years ago. it stays good right?

12. make koolaid.

13. pay off my credit cards.

14. hire my friends to make art.

15. make art for my friends.

thats all ive got for now. im gonna go take a nap. seriously.

lifelong goal

one of my lifelong goals is to know a person born each day of the calendar year.

march and september are looking a little slim.

fyi

new leaves are hard to turn over.

we decided it might be better for both of us if he moves out sooner.
friday.

this suck needs to end.

thanks chuck

http://www.thingsididlastnight.com/

new leaf

starting monday. im going back to tkd. im gonna start running again. ill drink more water, less alcohol. ill reattempt flossing daily, though this is a lifetime struggle for me. im going to iron my clothes once the come out of the dryer. i want to go on dates. i plan to learn to cook, but again with the lifetime struggle. im gonna redecorate this room so it doesnt feel so dorm-y and temporary.

im over the pity party. its getting a little boring.

duck duck goose

white water rafting was fun and not nearly as scary as i thought it would be.
the water was cold. we jumped in. i couldnt breathe. i jumped out.
we "rode the bull" on the front of the raft.

sf was fun too.
i got really cute clothes and shoes. and a nose ring. and ate good food.
i tried to meet up with people. i was 30% successful.

coming home was just hit and miss.
a few things made me realize that in my situation i am truly the more thoughtful person.
that is making it easier to close that chapter.

holy spontaneous

my friend lisa emailed me yesterday.
her friend ross is turning 30. hes throwing a party for himself and 30 of his closest friends.
he rented out an entire campground of yurts and organized a white water rafting trip.
apparently a few people bailed so she asked him if i could go. he said yes.
so i bought a ticket yesterday to fly to sf on friday!

so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so excited.

white water rafting has always been on my life to do list.... check!

the great divide

im wondering if it has started. no matter how much we dont want our friends to choose one over the other, that its a natural thing to do. that it makes people feel more comfortable in a naturally awkward situation.

i guess if thats the case, i get you all in the divorce, right?

drunk. sweaty. exhausted.

tell me a better way to end the night.

Can we talk about this?

im a little sunburned.

for the record

i like the term "i digress."

back to our scheduled programming...

things were on the up and up today.

which leads me to this question:

is it better to feel the suck and wallow in it? or is it better to keep busy and try to move on?

and if its the latter, i need to make plans. call me.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

somebody tell me how to endure this.
tell me how to get over feeling unlovable.
tell me when my chest will stop feeling like gasping is the only way to breathe.
when will the morning stop breaking my heart?
how do you learn to love someone less than you have for 8 years?
how do you keep from shaking them?


i thought i was doing ok.

my weekend in 3 words

beer.
shrimp.
chili.

dinner with strangers

sometimes makes you feel more alone than you thought you could.

last night was fun

im hungover.

the office... this version isnt that funny.

aside from yesterday morning i had a decent day.
my bedroom is now the office. it, by nature, feels temporary. this is where guests stay.

billy, ill come over with a sixer. and a hug.
i can use one too.

day 2, part 2

its actually part 3 because i deleted the first "im doing fine" post to replace it with the "what the fuck is happening" post.
im back to the "im doing fine" part of this whole thing.
i feel like im schitzophrenic. how the hell do you even spell that?

day 2

i wrote a post earlier this morning. the day was starting out just fine.
yesterday i left work early. i went to the park and just stared at the water for a while. i took a nap.
he came home. we talked. everything was ok.
we have always been the best of friends. i dont want to lose that. its just hard to imagine not seeing or talking to him everyday. im not quite sure how to handle that.
this morning he was getting ready at the same time i was leaving. he asked how i was doing. i though was doing ok. i lost it.
i just feel like everything i know is in the air and im completely panicked. i dont know what to do. sometimes it feels like i cant breathe.
does it get easier? of course it does. but it feels like the easiness of it is unobtainable right now.
i feel broken.
i feel scared.
one minute i feel like throwing up.
the next i feel like putting on a dress and taking a walk.
i havent eaten. im not even close to being hungry.
fuck.

at a loss

its not a break.
its breaking up.
i feel like i want to fix it and make it right but theres nothing i can do.
i know its the right decision.
its just hard when we were so happy. we are such a good team. but the doubts overwhelm the hope i guess.
my whole body wants to fight it.
i wished i was dreaming when i woke up this morning. sad to know im not.
feel like im on auto pilot.
theres no working this one out.
really not looking forward to work either.
super puffy eyes and 3 hours of sleep. do i even attempt eyeliner and mascara?
how do you get over something like this? how do you even start the process of separating?
vacation has to be canceled. we leave in 12 days. for 14. i was so excited. so was he.
do i still take that time off? anyone want to go to mexico for 2 weeks with me?
i just cant even process it.
who do i talk to about my day? who do i call when something good happens?
i think right now im sad at the idea of it, but cant imagine it really happening.
weve been together so long.
and i wish i hated him. i wish we had a fight that caused this.
but the decision is made out of love.
i just wish it was a different decision.
i love him so much.

Layovers

Phone call on a layover suggesting it's over.
More to come face to face tonight.
Heartbreaking.

And apparently cryptic.

being sick sucks for the record

head cold from hell.
it came out of nowhere too.

and its totally kicking my ass.

my wickedly hot hair

discuss....

last day!!!

last night was like christmas eve... knowing i was going to wake up to one more day of virtually no work, a happy hour celebration and freedom!!!

ive got myself a little two week break coming up- off to whistler next week, and then a whole week of nothing...

so long company. its been, well, not so nice to work for you. but i liked the people i worked with.

obama-rama

obama, clinton and mccain were all in town this week.

hillary drew a crowd of 5000 when she spoke thursday night. i made my way to key arena at lunch time on friday to hear barack obama only to find out he had filled the 17000 seat stadium beyond capacity. amazing.

and then i went to my first caucus today.

it was chaos. but it was great.

the event was in a church basement for three separate precincts. and it was packed. we all signed up and noted our candidate choice. and then we broke up into our precincts and voiced our opinions to sway the undecideds- of which there were none in my precinct. i met some of my neighbors. i signed up to be a neighborhood volunteer. i volunteered to be the secretary. i took notes. i was elected to be a delegate for obama.

the numbers for the caucus were at a record high, and my reason for being there was the same as a majority of the people. obama has inspired a nation. apathy is no longer an option. it was inspiring to see the community coming together to be a part of history, and i whole-heartedly support the man leading the way.

if your primary or caucus is still to come, please be sure to vote. i support obama. but regardless of who you support, its important that ultimately we are united for change.

yes. we can.

train of thought

do you think if trains hadnt ever existed we wold still call it a train?

so sometimes when im bored i like to think about my thoughts. i know it sounds weird so bear with me. i have never been able to meditate to the point where my mind felt completely clear. so i tried to go the other way with it and acknowledge each thought that zooms through my head. it is really enough to drive me crazy. ill try to give you a little sampling, but even typing it will be too slow and my thoughts will have wandered by the time i finish another thought.

still with me?


my foot hurts. im tired and possibly getting sick. i wonder if im bleeding internally and am just not aware of it yet. i should webmd it. i think i have dried snot on my nostril. would someone here tell me. her shoes are loud. i hope she doesnt come talk to me. i wish my coworker would call me back. i really really like my glasses. they truly live up to the expectations i have had of them all these years. i wish thanksgiving would have gone better. i wonder if i should- now my foot itches. should i take the short ride but long walk home or the long ride short walk home? it IS raining but the long rise is always crowded and smells like pee. why do people going to the u district always smell like pee? restoration hardware is apparently in the u district. there was- wait, no i mean u village. is u village in the u district? there was a store i wanted to go to there but i cant remember anymore. the craft fair is sunday. i wonder if it will all be expensive. im short on cash right now. stupid electricity bill. even though i didnt pay it. why AM i short on cash. i need to take the bus to work more often. especially now that the free parking is gone. i like my handwriting. i think my fingers are dislexic. how do you spell dislexic? dislixic? its all spelled wrong according to my spell check. i wish illustrator had automatic spell check. i gotta update my moms site. wow the day went fast. and my desk is so clean. i love that. i wonder how long it will last. i think im a slob. i wish today was winter solstice. i want to go see kara and the new baby. can the guy across the way see me work when its dark out? i cant wait until they put up that new building. im so gonna look in the windows. my foots asleep.

ta-da!

hi toshi

its nice to finally meet you.
congratulations paul and kj!!

current mood: apathetic

meh.

im in that phase where i dont really want to do anything. maybe its the change in the weather.

im not so into my job lately. i have to travel next week to defend work we did (actually, work a previous employee did, but i still have to act like we played a role) and im just not feeling like doing it. my boss is getting ready to go on a trip and as a result is driving everyone crazy. i had a dream last week that i got another job offer. i think im just getting to the point that im ready to do something else. i just dont know what yet.

i started running again. i still dont like it. but i know its good for me. i think i just get bored and would rather be comfy on my couch watching a bad movie. perhaps one with sandra bullock in it. lake house anyone? saturday i complimented my VERY slow seven mile run with a trip to tae kwon do. i like that. its expensive, but fun. in the end though, my couch would win the battle every time, though it IS fun to know i could beat a lot of people up.

i dont really feel like calling anyone to do anything. though i did have a fun quick date with beth at the movies3:10 to yuma. you can put anyone on horse back and film them in slow motion and i would be attracted to them, but that is especially the case for russell crowe, whom i dont find attractive in real life. i think i was born in the wrong century. i digress.

anyway. im hoping this mood will pass. i should be doing a lot of work right now but im jsut not that into it.

practicing words i can never type correctly on the first try

jsut jsut just just jsut jsut jsut jsut jsut just jsut just jsut just just just just jsut just jsut just just just just just just just just just just just just jsut just just just jsjt jsut just just jsut jsut just jsut jsut just jsut just just just just jsut jsut just jsut just jsut just just just just just just just just just

the the hte the teh hte teh teh teh teh teh teh the the the hte the the the the the teh the teh the the teh teh the the the the the the teh teh teh teh the the the the the the teh the hte hte the teh
the the the the the the the the teh teh teh teh the the hte the the the the the the the the teh teh

morgan morhan moragn moragn morgan moyran morgan morgan morgan morgan morang morgna morgan moragb morgab morgab morhan moragn morgan morgan morgab moragb moragn moragn morgan moragh morgan moragn morgan morgan morgna morgan morgan

im realizing my typing issues might stem from an overzealous left hand....

vegas baby

i hate flying.

i had a really bad dream and an anxiety disorder*** that made the task incredibly daunting. two years ago i was in a position at work that i was traveling a lot and i was the only one from my office that did what i do. then i sat next to this awesome guy on a smaller plane who decided to tell me every flight horror story he had as we were speeding up to take off. i heart him. i got to my hotel for the night and i went on a flying hiatus.

ive flown since then but only for personal reasons. very VERY infrequently... maybe twice (this is round trip of course). but even then it was not without a bottle of xanax tucked away. (truth be told, i never took any of the xanax for flying***. it was just nice knowing i had the option).

the lack of traveling has been an imposition on my coworkers and has openly hindered the progression of my career. so three weeks ago when my coworker called me and told me we were required to attend a meeting in vegas, i refilled my xanax prescription.

but it was a good trip. surprisingly.

my coworker travels a lot. as a result hes got mvp status with the airlines. mvp=upgraded seats. we rode in style all the way down there... free drinks, and hot nuts... ... ... and a plane crash seems less horrific if youre in first.

then we checked in to THEhotel at mandalay bay. the pretentiousness that comes along with the title is well deserved. i had a suite to myself and room service being taken care of by the client.

the meeting was pointless. i said a total of two things in 7.5 hours. and even then i think they allowed us to speak because they realized they made us come down for no reason. but we got to eat a nice dinner and had a fun night gambling (read playing the penny slots. i actually like to play the tables. and id really like to learn and play craps, but the antes were all too rich for my blood, so wheel of fortune with some nickels it was).

i got room service this morning for breakfast. they wheeled in a little cart and uncovered my food. i felt fancy and grown up. and it was gooooood.

the flight back (to come full circle) wasnt as good as the one there. "leavin vegas is always bumpy" i heard later. a little warning would have been nice. but everything was fine and our steward was the best- think retired old man who LOVES waiting on first class people.

its nice to be home though. i think im gonna get jason to wheel in carts of food for me.

***footnote: i dont take the xanax because im totally against medication for "chemical imbalances." i took paxil for a long time. i gained weight, had no feeling other than content and yawned ALL the time. then i weaned myself off and went through what i imagine heroine addicts go through- fevers, shakes, dizziness.... awful. im better now. the running helped that. i still yawn a lot though... but gma says that its because my brain is cooling itself off. if someone yawns when you are talking to them you should take it as a compliment.

ok i need to stop now. my tangents are getting away from me.

why cant i hear the music? why is the beer garden so crowded? am i standing in piss?

wiki:
block party: n. a block party is a large informal public celebration in which many members of a single neighborhood congregate to observe a positive event of usually local importance. many times, there will be celebration in the form of playing music and dance. Block parties gained popularity in the United States during the 1970s.

yeah, well this one was sponsored by camel, monster and e-surance** and cost 20$ at the door. then you get to stand in a really crowded beer garden (at $5 a beer) and listen to , at most, 20 bands which, to be honest, should sometimes be playing for free.

and compare that to a $40 bumbershoot where the lineups are abundant and ripe with talent and dont disguise themselves as COMMUNITY block parties.

im completely over it. 3 years ago it was free, more like a farmers market meets garage band. i respected it then.

**all important footnote: i learned friday afternoon that e-surance is sponsoring events like this to relate more to a younger, hipper audience. i also learned that the owners of e-surance are a über right wing conservative couple set on pushing their agenda.

beng beng beng

if you know me at all you know that while i enjoy a nice show every now and then, the thought of going to a crowded venue to stand and look at the stage and nod my head is not my idea of a good time. at least not that often- there are exceptions to this rule...

you should also know im musically illiterate. im not one of those people who can talk intelligently about good or bad music. i have paris hilton's version of "stars are blind" on my ZUNE! right next to the mountain goats. and i am not ashamed to say i like them both.

so you can imagine how i felt when jason told me about this guy i hadnt heard of and his band playing at the showbox. >>>insert eye roll and yawn<<<

for starters no one in seattle dances. i hate this fact. apparently the hipster movement grabbed an entire city by the balls and told it that its just not cool to move anything more than neck muscles. maybe its because the skinny jeans are restrictive. chucks dont offer arch support? i dont know.

secondly i knew i was going to be sober thanks to a weeks worth of antibiotics. both my pharmacist (i say it like we have one of those close relationships you see on tv- the one where they will come to my house and cut my pills for me) and my doctor took the time to seriously warn me that ANY drinking would make me feel awful and could lead to heart problems (and again, if you know me, you know my anxiety is acutely focused on the well-being of my heart).

thirdly i am fighting a head cold, or a really obnoxious sinus problem. either way, it leaves me feeling pretty cruddy and tired. (im also not sure if im tired bc my friend, the pharmacist told me the medicine might do that to me, or if im tired bc im run down. im easily swayed by professional opinions).

well, add all those things up and a night out at the showbox was not sounding great.

but i could not have been more wrong!

we went to see femi kuti.

i dont know if people know about him or not, as i, as previously mentioned, am slow on the musical uptake. if you dont know either, hes an african singer by way of london (or is it london singer by way of africa?). he is following in the footsteps of his late dad, fela kuti, with whom he also performed growing up. political, sexy music.

the show was amazing. i cant explain it in any other terms. the entire crowd cheered and danced... almost like we were in another city. my tired, sober, sore feet didnt care. the entire band played an exceptionally passionate show. a friend said "they come out like a firehose in the mouth," and while im not sure i understand the phrase completely, it seems an appropriate description. the backup singers danced through the entire show... and i dont mean that synced sway from side to side. i mean D-A-N-C-E-D. the whole time. it was incredible.

so for one night, the seattle music scene redeemed itself. and while its sure to disappoint in the near future- probably the capital hill block party- for last night it was totally worth it. i highly recommend if you havent seen him. i would gladly go again.

mmmmm. spaghetti

i like thursdays.
thursdays always mean good primetime programming (except in the off seasons)
thursday is the day before friday and friday is the start of the weekend. while tomorrow isnt saturday, there is something calm and easy going about friday... and thursday is the second best "leaving the office" feeling at the end of the day.
thursday is spaghetti day downstairs. oh.my.god. its good spaghetti.

__________________________________________

they are doing construction across the street and its fascinating to watch. we thought we would be annoyed by the sound but its actually kind of soothing. not as much jackhammering as you would anticipate. there is a guy in a back ho (heh heh) right now moving dirt from one pile to another, and then from the latter pile to a truck bed. i think he can see in my window... 5 floors up. maybe he just has those eyes that follow you- like the busts in the haunted mansion. but every time i look out i think hes looking at me. and while part of me is annoyed, the other part stares back flattered.

i think im getting a zit on my chin. its one of the painful ones beneath the surface but hasnt reared its ugly face for me to pick and claw at. i am TOTALLY a picker.

riley was the cutest little mofo last night. im completely enamored.

i need to figure out what to get my nieces for their birthdays. they were months ago. but i called them and said i had their presents but i hadnt mailed them yet. now i have to hold true to that promise. otherwise im a sucky aunt. im a sucky aunt anyway. but im just following the family tradition of not making an effort.

i think jason has RLS. i need to talk to bill about it. i also need to go swimming with him- bill not jason. though jason can come too. (hott)

somehow i need to motivate myself to go to the gym. or do some sort of physical activity. i think i dont like my gym because its filled with young in-shape people. jasons gym was better. it was all older people (because its practically a mortgage payment to go there)

mmm, even though im sickeningly full, ethiopian food sounds good.

i guess i should work.

well, since you asked...

i had a fantabulous birthday week!

there are those years where you just dont feel as special or loved on your birthday as you had hoped. it has nothing to do with gifts, or cake. its just the general feeling. that particular person didnt call, or the day is going as all other days normally go- nothing really magical about it.

this was not one of those years.

i got flowers, presents, balloons, flowers, drinks, flowers, presents, dinner, breakfast ( a PHENOMENAL breakfast btw), a kayak trip, birthday cards, dinner, a karaoke night, lots of beer, more presents, cake, a harry potter date and some popcorn. there were lots of people who sent me emails, or myspace messages or called. people babysat so other people could come out to celebrate... i just felt very loved.

sigh...

it was also one of the worst birthdays ive ever had.

kayaking for nearly 5 hours had left my arms very very tired and i figured i would hate life the next day. little did i know i would be hating life that night. there were sharp aches in my arms while singing my heart out- i busted out some tricky by run dmc though, lemme tell you. they got worse as the night progressed until it was time to leave. by the time i got home i was weeping. ive never in my life experienced a pain like that. and i know you moms out there can contest that you have felt a pain far greater. i dont deny you that. i havent been there yet, so achy arms is what i get to bitch about... it wasnt muscles. it wasnt even joints. if bone marrow could be sore, thats what it felt like. no. if bone marrow could be kicked in the balls... yeah, a little like that. i laid awake on my couch until 5am that morning in agonizing pain. (jason tried to take care of me, but to karaoke he had to get a little (read a lot) sauced, and eventually passed out). i finally fell asleep for a few hours and when i woke up- completely better. no soreness at all. its like i laid around all day the day before.

go figure.

my coworker chalks the quick recovery up to my being young. at which i enjoy the irony of it happening on my birthday- the day i turn a year older. im still very much a young'un of course... just with an old soul. and apparently old marrow.

tomorrow! tomorrow! i love ya tomorrow!

in the narcissistic spirit of continuously talking about my birthday and how much i love it, i give you this:

i have some really vague memories of this movie, but loved it because the year i saw it, my birthday was slated to fall on a saturday. (i think i have also convinced myself that the year i was born the 14th as also a saturday, but im wrong there. after further investigation, it was a monday).

i know the movie was a comedy spoof, but i was young enough that it was still scary to me (what isnt, really?) and had believed that friday the 13th is bad luck, but saturday the 14th, whoa buddy! you better watch out! in fact, until finding this poster, i thought the tag line for the movie was "you thought friday the 13th was bad. but saturday the 14th is waaaay worse."

wow.

(i am realizing as i write it that its almost like going back and reading a paper you wrote in grade school. one you were really proud of and still kind of hold on to some of that pride... only to reread and realize you sounded like a complete douche)

anyway. i should see it again. i bet its an amazing piece of cinematography that i did not fully appreciate in my youth...

btw, this is what those illustrated representations of benjamin and paula look like now:

have a happy weekend y'all. ill see you on the flip side another year older :D!

birthday week

in case you didnt know, this week, and more than likely, next, is my birthday week.
to celebrate, i got a bouquet of balloons at work!

the axe

is ax usually spelled with an "e?" also this is one of those instances where it just doesnt seem right to put the punctuation INSIDE the quote.

i digress.

a coworker of mine was fired yesterday. i cant say it was a surprise. he wasnt doing his job and was making work harder for everyone involved. but you gotta feel bad for the guy. he is a nice person.

ive never been in an office, or anywhere for that matter, where someone was fired- save the hole in the wall bar i waitressed at, but that seemed different. a few people knew what was happening yesterday and when it was going to happen... which made things worse. i liken it to being at the top of one of those drop rides- lets go with the tower of terror. you know its inevitably going to happen, you just dont know WHEN.

tangent: did you hear, btw, about the little girl who lost her feet on one of those rides?! it sounds like there should be a punchline after that, but theres not. poor little girl. i wont ever ride one of those again, i can assure you. the last time i rode one we got all strapped in and up to the top and i panicked. i was grabbing for the belt to release (panic is not good for clarity). i just wanted out. then it was over. never ever agin.

and back: so he packed up his stuff and left last night. i had already left to catch the bus, but got a play by play via text as i was riding home:

"i can hear him putting things in a paper bag."
"someone just went over to talk to him."
"they are changing the codes tonight."
"he seems pissed."
"i think he left. he didnt say anything."
"oh, no, hes still here. what's he still doing here?"
and from the person that had to do the firing who was told to make herself scarce afterwards, "im hiding in the lunchroom until he leaves and need many many drinks."

and that is my experience of being in the office when someone was fired.

catch up.

in the last month and a half:

jason went to china for work. we are pretty conviced he has sars. he also brought me back some elephant candle-ettes (they are so cute and tiny), a chinese book on calligraphy (written IN chinese) and a calligraphy set ("i dont know how to use it," i say. "read the book," he responds). he was the most excited about the knock off louis vuitton purse and wallet he got me. im on the fence on this. its a cute purse and a cute wallet- if it didnt have a logo all over it. but hes so excited and proud of it. i guess he was in a store and they knocked on the wall. all of a sudden they were in a secret back room. ive carried it a few times. im curious what kind of person people think i am with that bag...

jasons parents came to visit. we had a good time with them. his mom cleaned our entire house. apparently the surface cleaning we did before they came did not suffice. we went to a nice dinner. i pulled a move my dad LOVES to use- get up to go to the bathroom and pay the bill in secret. all in all is it was a good visit though i am still convinced parents come to visit to remind us why we moved out in the first place.

i went to san francisco to see my friend lisa (sorry kc!). i havent been down there since i moved almost 3 years ago. it was like i never left- after i got over saying "I cant believe im back in san francisco" i mean. there was a lot of drinking and shopping involved. we went to the north beach festival on saturday. i drank too much and i had to wake up for the super shuttle at 4 am. turbulence and a hangover are NOT friends. fyi.

we went to a beer festival last weekend. i learned i like barley wine. jason learned he cant hang out at a beer festival all day and then come home to tall glasses of whiskey and coke. who knew?

wednesday was the 4th. it was filled with kebabs (not shish, because as i learned that day shish refers to lamb) pasta salad, sangria and cornhole. we built our own set. we are currently "discussing" how to design it. so far we have some vertical stripes. i even sewed the bean bags until my sewing machine broke. it was exciting to introduce our friends to the game. the fireworks were perfect from our deck, but a little awkwardly long.

in the meantime work has been crazy. ive been getting in at 645 am each morning and going all day long and well into the night. i see a light at the end of the tunnel. but its a really really long tunnel.

and that brings us t up to speed.

next weekend is my birthday. i LOVE my birthday. really, i love anyone's birthday. if it werent for that day, that person wouldnt be in your life. its exciting. and its nice that everyone has at least one day during the year that people celebrate them. i know it sounds a little fluffy, but its true. and next weekend is MY day :D well, mine and a few friends who share it, along with matthew fox from lost and france's independence day (aka bastille day).

the end.

a couple of things

1. good god it was beautiful today.

2. how has no one commented on the funniest video ever?

Tag

my friend shell-i tagged me. this means you lucky lucky readers get to know 7 random things about me... in no particular order...

1. my mom splurged and got me an american doll when i was 10 or so. my brother told me she looked like chuckys sister. i slept with her until i was 14 so she couldnt get away in the night. my mom thought i just loved her. i gave her to my niece as revenge on my brother.

2. i was born on 7.14 and weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. i think thats neat. i share my birthday with a lot of people in my life. and ive always hated that. i also hated that i had a summer birthday and as a result, was lumped together at the end of the school year with all the other summmer birthdays. but i liked that my birthday was bastille day and have always felt somewhat french because of this.

3. i am, to this day, proud of the valentine box i made in the 5th grade. it was a one-eyed, one-eared flying purple valentine eater and the valetines went in his mouth. i was a creative genius then.

4. my 18th great uncle was miles standish (captian of the mayflower). when i was 12 i found a beautiful shell bracelet on his beach and automatically thought it was his gift to me. im sorry for whoever lost her bracelet.

5. careers i wanted before i became a graphic designer: math teacher, orthodontist.

6. if i could have one superpower it would be to breathe underwater. i remember being jealous of the highlander when he was underwater. and looking back, im not sure if that really happened in the movie or if i imagined it.

7. speaking of dreams, i used to have 2 recurring dreams as a kid. the first involved a kid named kevin who liked me in second grade. he would come over to my house while we were packing to move.. once i let him in he would turn into a werewolf and run upstairs to steal all my toys. the second, i was always waking up in the middle of the night to look for my parents. they were always asleep in my brother's old room downstairs. i would find them and then head back to my room, but i would step on a rock on the way. the rock would turn into a witch and chase me up the stairs and back to bed. i think my dad let me watch too many scary movies. to this day i look behind me as i go up stairs.

ok, your turn. tag, youre it:
beth
billy
aggie

hahahahahahahahhahah. i feel for this guy though. seriously.

mr bento

this:
is a mr bento.

an old classmate of mine got one as a birthday gift, and it got me researching.

its essentially a thermos with some fancy tupperware inside. but its got a fun little name. and the containers are itty bitty and fun to fill with lunchtime goodness.

theres also a mr bento porn group on flickr.com. people take pictures of their bento lunches. i took my first one today. im sure ill upload it in a few weeks... but so far i recommend it.

mine came with a spork... theres actually something really soothing about having a metal spork. id only experienced them in plastic. its like my childhood, bronzed.

i dunno. i just know everyone should have a mr bento.

my bike to work team needs your help!

http://www.cbcef.org/contest/vote.cfm?contest=8

our team name is gang green. and we can really use your vote! (dont worry about registering). while some, i hesitate now to say, FRIENDS have pointed out that they like other names better, its more of an obligatory vote so we can bask in the glory of greatness. help me bask.

thank you in advance for your love and support!

camping!!!

like those people who try to have a bbq when its still freezing out and end up bundled up on their couch with a paper plate full of grilled chicken and corn on the cob, we are going camping prematurely in honor of jasons bday. woohoo!

and the only reason i write this is so that the last post on my blog for 5 days isnt the picture of me. because while im very narcissistic, i dont want to APPEAR that way.

see you in a few days bitches.

my hair

it looks much more like a bob in this pic than it actually is...
and thats miles. hes one of the many seattle babies. and hes cute.

dear capitol hill parking

fuck you.

haircut

im thinking of getting this haircut:

but you have to imagine it with this face instead:

im getting an extra bottle of wine to help the efforts in darfur

we decided to start no tv tuesday yesterday, and thought it would be a good idea to go out for some dinner. the driving factor for dinner was that yesterday in seattle was a dine for darfur event. what a great cause. 25% of your dining bill goes to a relief aid...

but wait a second...

im going to go spend $100 on a swanky dinner. (well actually, JASON is going to spend 100$ on a swanky dinner because i accidentally (but conveniently) left my wallet at work- it caused a problem with drinking while waiting, but it all ended up ok) ANYWAY. $100 on dinner translates to $25 in aid... so follow my crazy logic for a second... wouldn't it be better if all those people who were out there doing the right thing just GAVE the entire amount they were going to spend on dinner to the effort. my thinking is out there... i know.

i realize the fact that most people DONT do that. and so something is better than nothing. and maybe you catch a few diners who waited in the god awful lines at the handful of restaurants participating who DIDNT know about the effort...

but still...

all these people were gathered round waiting for tables, connected to one another in their effort to help. and the comraderie was nice. but the slight smell of smug that hung in the air seemed so soulless.

all this ranting is hypocritical of course. we are those people who DONT donate our money. we went out the the select restaurants and did "our part." we dont have souls.

its just the principle.

t.g.i.oh fuck it.

im at work on a saturday and it sucks.

at least its not sunny and warm out, so that all you lucky bastards who DONT have to be at work right cant COMPLETELY enjoy the day.

in honor of my saturday sucking the following is a list of all things suck...

-having to work sunday too

-chapped lips

-being the janitor who comes in saturday nights after a shitstorm of work during the day... do you like how i related janitors and shitstorms?

-dry skin right after a zit has healed (because you know you picked it), where you cant pick it off, but trying to conceal it with foundation only makes it more noticable

-trying to compete on a dancing show with one leg and having to wear those god awful lycra pants with hideous bellbottoms

-papercuts

-tuesday morning hangovers. at least you got to make up for saturday

-how blogger keeps trying to automatically log me in with my gmail account.

-getting almost sone with the saturday workday only to realize you have to reprint the 4 copies of the 122 page book and rebind them... nuts.

alright, im over this post. ive been here too long.

only because kc! said so

check this AMAZING link out...

http://www.wefeelfine.org/

this is their mission:
Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been harvesting human feelings from a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the world's newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling". When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence, up to the period, and identifies the "feeling" expressed in that sentence (e.g. sad, happy, depressed, etc.). Because blogs are structured in largely standard ways, the age, gender, and geographical location of the author can often be extracted and saved along with the sentence, as can the local weather conditions at the time the sentence was written. All of this information is saved.

The result is a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 - 20,000 new feelings per day. Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific questions like: do Europeans feel sad more often than Americans? Do women feel fat more often than men? Does rainy weather affect how we feel? What are the most representative feelings of female New Yorkers in their 20s? What do people feel right now in Baghdad? What were people feeling on Valentine's Day? Which are the happiest cities in the world? The saddest? And so on.

The interface to this data is a self-organizing particle system, where each particle represents a single feeling posted by a single individual. The particles' properties – color, size, shape, opacity – indicate the nature of the feeling inside, and any particle can be clicked to reveal the full sentence or photograph it contains. The particles careen wildly around the screen until asked to self-organize along any number of axes, expressing various pictures of human emotion. We Feel Fine paints these pictures in six formal movements titled: Madness, Murmurs, Montage, Mobs, Metrics, and Mounds.

At its core, We Feel Fine is an artwork authored by everyone. It will grow and change as we grow and change, reflecting what's on our blogs, what's in our hearts, what's in our minds. We hope it makes the world seem a little smaller, and we hope it helps people see beauty in the everyday ups and downs of life.

i feel its an amazing thing... see look, i made it on their site just like that.

i also feel like kc! can shut the hell up now :)

la la la

my tongue hurts after eating a cookies and cream skinny cow ice cream sandwich.
it may be, however, from eating handfuls of sour patch kids.
i stayed home from work today because my stomach hurt.
go figure.
really though. it did/does hurt.
i will spare you details but i have a feeling it relates to friday night... of overly hydrating that night, and then the massive dehydration that followed as a result.
friday night was fun.
i realized in my state of drunken euphoria that seeing the mountain goats after a year is like exhaling... all that carbon dioxide built up for a year finally getting to escape.
and the company seemed right.
i got all teary eyed and i love you man-ed out while toasting bill and beth. the last time we saw the goats was when beth was 5 or so months pregnant. youve gotta be proud of people that can have and keep someone else alive and manage to do it with some panache. and by panache i mean coke and lots of irish car bombs... i kid i kid... about the car bombs at least.
i also almost got all teary eyed again when i came back from the bathroom to see the bill. but then i realized i have a sugardaddy so all was right with the world again...
i havent been that pleasantly drunk in a long time. there was no drama or fighting- just good times (well, except when i was yelling at jason at jack in the box, but thats because im a mean drunk).
anyway...
on a different note, the mayor of swelltown (see previous post) found my blog and left me some comments. you better bet that has added fuel to my celebrity gossip fire.
i should go to bed...

cake.

i think i want to bake and decorate cakes for a living. im more passionate about the decorating part, but it would be nice for someone to be telling someone else that didnt know me, "omigod. you have to try her pomegranate, mint, bacon fat cake. it sounds disgusting but it is to die for."
yeah. something like that...
ive been tired of design for about 6 years now. im pretty sure its worn out its welcome.
cakes make people happy. logos, not so much.

celeb stocks

i am a celebrity gossip whore.
and this is my new addiction:
www.swelltown.com
i post this in hopes that some of you are secret celebrity whores too. join me in the greatest obsession.
im amorgan714 on there.
find me.

the secret

so theres a positive thinking vibe sweeping the nation. oprah was talking about it once before and had the speakers on her show on friday. learn more here:
http://thesecret.tv/
ANYWAY. the gist is to think positively about what you want to happen in your life instead of thinking what you DONT want.
sounds a little granola but it makes sense. you go in to a situation with the expectation that it will be wonderful and it normally will. go in with the expectation that it will be hard and horrible and its probably going to be shitty...
so i decided to test it.
jason and i were playing battleship. im pretty fucking good at battleship to start with so it may not be the BEST example. but we were playing the first game, which i won... but it took a while and was pretty close. he sunk three and was on his way through my fourth when i took down his fleet. of course he wanted a second game.
thats when i put my plan into action. i kept thinking "i want to win this game. i really want to win this game. im going to win this game. i will dominate." losers guess first in our house, and his guess was a miss. my first guess? a hit! of course there were a few misses here and there in trying to figure out the orientation of the boats, but once i sunk the battleship- the battleship no less! the first boat i sink in my path of domination is THE battleship. so once that boat was eliminated, my next guess? a HIT! i sunk three of his boats one right after another jsut like that. he managed to find only one of my boats as i took him down. he still claims i cheated, and i guess hes right. he doesnt know about the secret.
i plan on watching the movie. im curious and excited to see what the effects of this positive thinking will be in the more important parts of my life... like cranium and scrabble.

dear centrum a to z multivitamin

please stop with the gassiness.

its making me think you arent worth the daily supply of vitamins a to zinc.

the only thing we have to fear...

can we talk a little bit about this? have you seen or read the news this morning? in boston there was much ado about this little guy to your left. apparently he is a circuit board device that blinks, batteries exposed. essentially a light bright used a guerilla marketing. very clever in my opinion. but not to the bostonians.

people there were running around like the sky was falling. the city went into high alert. kids were left abandoned in school yards. subways were shut down. i saw video of bomb squads remote detonating this thing as if it contained vials of the plague coated in tuberculosis wrapped in lyme disease.

people. C'MON. we have a problem.

did you think it was very tongue in cheek of the terrorists to make a bomb that flips you off before it kills you? did you think that little angular, pixelated guy was some sort of islamic symbol for martyrdom?

i was flipping through a book that had winning design entries for the year and i saw a book design that had graphic journal entries based on news reports for the last few years. i noticed (which i think was the point) that terror was always the lead in each news day.

sure, the chances of getting hurt or killed in a terrorist attack in the u.s. are probably higher ever since g.w. has thrown our hat into the century long religious war ring, but being higher really only means a what? 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance instead of 1 in 1,000,000,000,000?

it just seems silly. bad things happen, yes. and sometimes they happen because of malicious thinking, but lets get real... there are better things to be scared of:
parrot influenza
salmonella on my kitchen faucet handles
the dark
hantavirus
ghosts
demonic possession
lou gherigs
mice
parkinsons
robbers
brain tumors
plaque causing me a heart attack
.
.
.
but not terror.
and not the little cartoon network guy. in fact, i want one. so if you happen to see a bomb squad moving in for the kill, can you just run in and grab him for me. maybe wear a hazmat suit for good measure though.