new leaf

starting monday. im going back to tkd. im gonna start running again. ill drink more water, less alcohol. ill reattempt flossing daily, though this is a lifetime struggle for me. im going to iron my clothes once the come out of the dryer. i want to go on dates. i plan to learn to cook, but again with the lifetime struggle. im gonna redecorate this room so it doesnt feel so dorm-y and temporary.

im over the pity party. its getting a little boring.

duck duck goose

white water rafting was fun and not nearly as scary as i thought it would be.
the water was cold. we jumped in. i couldnt breathe. i jumped out.
we "rode the bull" on the front of the raft.

sf was fun too.
i got really cute clothes and shoes. and a nose ring. and ate good food.
i tried to meet up with people. i was 30% successful.

coming home was just hit and miss.
a few things made me realize that in my situation i am truly the more thoughtful person.
that is making it easier to close that chapter.

holy spontaneous

my friend lisa emailed me yesterday.
her friend ross is turning 30. hes throwing a party for himself and 30 of his closest friends.
he rented out an entire campground of yurts and organized a white water rafting trip.
apparently a few people bailed so she asked him if i could go. he said yes.
so i bought a ticket yesterday to fly to sf on friday!

so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so excited.

white water rafting has always been on my life to do list.... check!

the great divide

im wondering if it has started. no matter how much we dont want our friends to choose one over the other, that its a natural thing to do. that it makes people feel more comfortable in a naturally awkward situation.

i guess if thats the case, i get you all in the divorce, right?

drunk. sweaty. exhausted.

tell me a better way to end the night.

Can we talk about this?

im a little sunburned.

for the record

i like the term "i digress."

back to our scheduled programming...

things were on the up and up today.

which leads me to this question:

is it better to feel the suck and wallow in it? or is it better to keep busy and try to move on?

and if its the latter, i need to make plans. call me.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

somebody tell me how to endure this.
tell me how to get over feeling unlovable.
tell me when my chest will stop feeling like gasping is the only way to breathe.
when will the morning stop breaking my heart?
how do you learn to love someone less than you have for 8 years?
how do you keep from shaking them?


i thought i was doing ok.

my weekend in 3 words

beer.
shrimp.
chili.

dinner with strangers

sometimes makes you feel more alone than you thought you could.

last night was fun

im hungover.

the office... this version isnt that funny.

aside from yesterday morning i had a decent day.
my bedroom is now the office. it, by nature, feels temporary. this is where guests stay.

billy, ill come over with a sixer. and a hug.
i can use one too.

day 2, part 2

its actually part 3 because i deleted the first "im doing fine" post to replace it with the "what the fuck is happening" post.
im back to the "im doing fine" part of this whole thing.
i feel like im schitzophrenic. how the hell do you even spell that?

day 2

i wrote a post earlier this morning. the day was starting out just fine.
yesterday i left work early. i went to the park and just stared at the water for a while. i took a nap.
he came home. we talked. everything was ok.
we have always been the best of friends. i dont want to lose that. its just hard to imagine not seeing or talking to him everyday. im not quite sure how to handle that.
this morning he was getting ready at the same time i was leaving. he asked how i was doing. i though was doing ok. i lost it.
i just feel like everything i know is in the air and im completely panicked. i dont know what to do. sometimes it feels like i cant breathe.
does it get easier? of course it does. but it feels like the easiness of it is unobtainable right now.
i feel broken.
i feel scared.
one minute i feel like throwing up.
the next i feel like putting on a dress and taking a walk.
i havent eaten. im not even close to being hungry.
fuck.

at a loss

its not a break.
its breaking up.
i feel like i want to fix it and make it right but theres nothing i can do.
i know its the right decision.
its just hard when we were so happy. we are such a good team. but the doubts overwhelm the hope i guess.
my whole body wants to fight it.
i wished i was dreaming when i woke up this morning. sad to know im not.
feel like im on auto pilot.
theres no working this one out.
really not looking forward to work either.
super puffy eyes and 3 hours of sleep. do i even attempt eyeliner and mascara?
how do you get over something like this? how do you even start the process of separating?
vacation has to be canceled. we leave in 12 days. for 14. i was so excited. so was he.
do i still take that time off? anyone want to go to mexico for 2 weeks with me?
i just cant even process it.
who do i talk to about my day? who do i call when something good happens?
i think right now im sad at the idea of it, but cant imagine it really happening.
weve been together so long.
and i wish i hated him. i wish we had a fight that caused this.
but the decision is made out of love.
i just wish it was a different decision.
i love him so much.

Layovers

Phone call on a layover suggesting it's over.
More to come face to face tonight.
Heartbreaking.

And apparently cryptic.