i like it.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
- Quentin Crisp

it snowed- did you notice?

holy shut down city.
is this shit ever gonna melt? (i not so secretly love it).

pictures from the storm:

the beginning

from my neigborhood


backyard


bus accident

accumulation


boots, day 1


boots, day 3


urban cross country


urban cross country take 2

snow apparatuses- apparati?


snow apparatuses take 2

weatherman

can somebody tell me what sundays forecast is based on this:

free ice skating monday

the romantic in me has always wanted to go ice skating and holds hands with a boy. we would skate around. i would fall. he would catch me. we would kiss in the snow...

the realist in me has decided its a weird uncomfortable thing. its a small circle. people are holding hands because they feel like they should. its crowded. its not snowing. its freezing. my feet hurt.

i took my mentees. thats a WAY better time.

fantasy dissolved.

***SAGA***

-to purgatory and back-
i love you to the core of me

happy birthday!!!!

i fucking knew it...

dear moon,

stop fucking with everyone!!!!!

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/12/081211-biggest-brightest-moon.html

boring blog. and a bday shout out.

hmm.

its mid-ish december. did you know that already?

somehow this year FLEW by. that always scars me. ive heard the older you get the faster a year seems to pass- which makes sense, because in the scheme of things, youve seen more of them. but with how quickly this year seemed to pass- i mean, seriously, in a blink of an eye- im a little freaked out that the rest of my life is going to use nitro boost. is that what happens? will some years go slower than others? are those the bad years? ooh, look at that. thinking that this year was a great year, hence the speed...

speaking of which, i told beth today at hh sushi and sake that i had a "what the hell was i thinking" moment in the car. seriously folks. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! no regrets of course, but really?! heh. heh. its like a really weird twisted funny lesson.

moving on.

my parents are coming into town this weekend. then they are leaving for a week. but then coming back. all you seattle orphans out there are welcome to my house for christmas. theres always lots of board games and drinking and standard midwest holiday fare, green bean casserole and all. my parents are fun. ill ask them to bring the face paint. (watching peoples reactions to that story makes it one of my favorite stories to tell... ahh, my parents, the carnies)

hmm. what else?

theres a sound outside that sounds a little like a rattling, but ive been playing this video game for so long that it sounds like the beetles i have to kill. i get weird about video games.

i saw twilight this weekend with my mentees. ive seen the lead guy in interviews and just really want to brush his hair. my mentees said that makes me sound old. then i saw him in the movie and suddenly want to date a 17 year old vampire. is that so wrong?

sigh.

i should go to bed. i hope my room doesnt smell. i spackled the holes in my wall. does spackle smell? i need paint though. the one i bought was too white.

oh and!

dinner tomorrow. happy birthday hot pants. we're gonna flirt the hell out of 29.

im pretty sure its a stroke.

it smells like an electrical fire... or possibly peanut butter... up in here.

giving thanks.

this thanksgiving was delicious. it was filled with sloth and gluttony- as all good thanksgivings should be. it also made me realize we are ALL initially uncomfortable being sincere and thankful on a moments notice. but here we go...

i am thankful for the family i chose. this year has been a real humdinger as it relates to how i understand and accept my family. i will always love them to the core of me, but there are some people i realize are there to love and despise me LIKE a family should moreso than members of my family do. and for that, i am thankful. i am thankful for the deep seeded look of love coupled with the rolling eyes of annoyance. i am thankful for the people who have answered my late night calls, sent me cards and chocolate, shown up to my door at a moments notice and been there to drink with to help me forget, remember and just to have fun. these people are my sisters and my brothers. moms. dads and children all rolled in to one. and if you are reading this, you are probably one of those people. i am eternally grateful.

i am thankful for the family i DO have. i am forever endebted to my parents, whom, i have begun to realize, are pretty fun and incredible people. im grateful to realize this now, rather than later so that i can celebrate WITH them. my brothers are my brothers. i dont think i will ever understand them completely, nor will they ever understand me. but we love each other. and for that, i have an underlying appreciation. i am thankful for my nieces and nephews and was so excited to see them recently- to realize they are becomming really neat people. i miss them more than i can explain.

i am thankful for the new found self realization that i am ok. its more than a fog lifting. its more than a clarity and peace of mind. its a come to jesus moment in which i have realized its been a LONG while since ive been myself. truly truly myself. and now that i have had the opportunity to find that again, i have realized i actually like myself. and for that, i am, in a way, thankful for the twists and turns 2008 has offered. it was a forced moment and i had no idea at the time it would take a turn this way. in case you didnt know (in a moment of tooting my own horn) im discovering im a pretty fucking cool person.

i am thankful for being free- in so many senses (is that right?) of the word. i am, of course thankful for the rights i have- though i know no differently so its hard to truly appreicate. i am thankful i have been raised to make the right decisions in order to maintain those freedoms. lately though, ive been excited and proud of the idea of living life for me only- making decisions on a whim because i want to- and because i can.

to steal one from billy (i think)- i am also thankful to experience a sense of calm and hope in this world. i am grateful to have been alive and been a part of one of the most amazing moments in american history. i realized the other day i was watching obamas interviews recently in a subconcious way to hold on to this figure that inspired so much in me. and then i realized that he will be around for at LEAST the next four years. and it becomes my moment to exhale in relief. for that, i thank ohio. finally.

i am, in general, just thankful. its been a doosie of a year and im glad for every moment thus far that has gotten me here. good or bad, i wouldnt change any of them.

O-H

the office was so gross today. you could hear the snot dripping from every orifice. disgusting.

im out for the week- going back to ohio. just like the pretenders.

im a mentor!

in an attempt to bolster my public service resume for the peace corps, i signed up to be a mentor for local high school students. it was truly a selflessly selfish move on my behalf.

last weekend i was at camp. i wasnt looking forward to it at first. it was an entire weekend with teenagers and people i didnt know. i knew it would be emotionally draining. it was also supposed to rain the entire time.

when we got there it was awkward. never before had i felt old. and all of a sudden there i was, out of touch and one of the oldest people in the room. the desire to fit in and be liked was strong and familiar. the students were hyper and hell bent on acting up. we had to sit in a room in uncomfortable chairs and listen to this woman talk. it was pouring.

day two included some group activities and a little one on one time. it was incredible to see these kids open up. it surprised me to realize how young and innocent they actually are underneath it all. it was equally as frustrating to watch them return to the larger group and act just as they had before.

day three was emotional and a half. i watched kids and adults alike honestly acknowledge their past and their future. i did the same. the ability to address certain parts of life and let them go publicly was more freeing than i can describe.

the last day was also emotional but relieving. on the ferry ride back i noticed the other passengers. they were glaring at the students and rolling their eyes. the kids were doing nothing wrong. they were just being kids. and thats when it hit me. one week prior, i would have been doing the same thing. but at that moment, i was one of them, running around the ship, staring at the vending machine, yelling on the deck outside.

last thursday i was matched with two girls from camp. and i couldnt be more excited about it. i cant imagine being with any other students in any other organization. im excited to be a part of their life. im happy i can be an adult they can turn to that wont punish them for the decisions they make. im hopeful that i can provide some sort of advice to help them make the decisions they need to in life.

this is an incredible program. and if you have time and any inclination to help, they can use you. 60 kids applied for this particular program. they were only able to take on 20 because of the mentor shortage. there are two other schools that can use your help. check it out:
communityforyouth.org

side note to ms. crame: GO HOT PANTS GO! hope your run was smokin!

more to come.

my words feel trivial.
i am in awe of what we just did.

barack obama is the next president of the united states.

-O- my god

i cannot wait to vote!
(image by shepard fairey)

MISC.

i just got off the elevator to a man wearing a basketball uniform while carrying what looked like an intricately detailed walking stick, and a woman with thigh high patent leather boots. im at work.

i saw the mountain goats on monday. i almost got in a fight. some east-side looking guy called me a cunt. then spelled it over and over and over. i kinda liked him more for it. except that he was trying to insult me. but i really like the shock value of that word, so the effect was lost on me.

my stomach hurts.

my florescent orange nail polish is weird. it seeps in while im painting it- almost like a stain. and then it leaches out of my nail and flakes off easily. but its so cute. i try to type without looking at the keyboard, but with my nails as bright as they are, its fun to watch. my hands look disconnected. and florescent is a hard word to spell. im pretty sure there was a "u" in there before.

im going to vegas tomorrow to throw my mom a surprise 60th bday party. i think she knows. people assure me she doesnt. shes a bad liar. i dont know where i honed my skills if thats the case. im really good at it. but vegas will be fun. except one work trip ive never spent more than 24 hours in that city. once i drove (with a couple of hippie friends) 23 hours to get there, and stayed for 5. then we took the short 12 hours drive back.

im still dreaming of the most recent batch of rosemary limoncello.

i took a 3 hour nap last night, woke up and worked for an hour, went to bed and overslept this morning. i think im sick. or just really tired. its the weather change im sure. how long do we get to use that excuse? i mean, can i say that in mid february? doesnt the time change this weekend? fall back, right?

i saw some guy in the coffee shop with the black version of my MIA wallet. i miss that wallet, but realized the black version was so much better than the teal. i need a new wallet/clutch... so i can get my dance on without toting my bookbag purse all over. oh, and i guess the term is backpack. dear backpack, youll always be a bookbag to me.

quote of the day

good luck jason.

and goodbye.

forced growth

weakness. its a hard thing for me to talk about. or feel.
and foolishness. or more so looking foolish.

sometimes it feels like everyone got the joke years ago and im only now starting to understand the punchline.
its a feeling of frustration. and anger- inward and out. and relief at a level ive never known before.
its an issue of pride. and im learning to be humble. or am being humbled.

i left my heart there... ugh.

oh the cliche.

work trip to san francisco this past week. with a few hours tucked away for myself.

i got to see lisa. and my parents. and my brother- it was actually very weird we were all there at the same time. i met up with my friend will. and ran into nikki. and ross.

i drank a lot. and ate really well, though most meals were simply a means to keep from spinning. i laid in a few parks and daydreamed. daydreamt? weird. is dreamt even a word. doesnt look like it. daydreamed.

i miss that city. it helps that it was gorgeous. and i wasnt obligated to really do anything. but i really miss it. a lot. the more i visit the more i wish i didnt have to leave it. i think the last time i lived there i was wishing i was lving here. because i had something to long for. i didnt get to enjoy it.

the problem is that i like my job. maybe in a few years.

im grumpy.

i had popcorn for dinner, and some ice cream. or fro-yo as ben and jerrys is now calling it. im pretty sure i cant call it fro-yo in a casual conversation and have any respect for myself.

i have perpetual pouty face.

im in my nightgown. and bathrobe. and little blue socks. and im under my comforter but im on the couch.

i watched a decent movie but now heroes is on. i hate heroes. but im too lazy and too grumpy to change the channel. even iphone solitare isnt comforting right now.

its cold out and the weather is changing.

i have a giant-under-the-skin zit that hurts.

i need to pay a parking ticket but im broke.

i didnt exercise today. and my bike tire wont pump up.

i got gasoline on my hands. and i was annoyed i had to get gas anyway.

this whole mood feels illogical. but that just makes me want to cross my arms and stomp my feet even more. its a good thing the roommate went to bed early.

but at least im cute when im grumpy.

ahhhh.

sometimes the best nights are the ones alone in the apartment with a bag full of tootsie pops and pretty woman on tbs. i have two movies here, but im too lazy to commit to either of them. its a WHOLE two hours. thats a lot to ask of me right now.

chunk chunk (law and order sound)

large hadron collider

im very excited about all of this.

but doesnt it all seem very contact?